Parental Responsibility for Teens Over Age 18?

Today on the website www.communati.com a parent posted a very well-written blog (http://communati.com/jellen) asking about parental responsibilities for a teen under and over age 18. Here’s a small part of that post:

Does age 18 make my daughter an adult or just a legal one? Do I parent her as an adult or a dependent child? Do I require of her to dress with modesty because she is still in our home, or do I let her dress as she wills because she is an adult?

And here’s the comment I left on her post – addressing only a part of what she wrote:

I have a different take than many parents. I believe that high school does NOT prepare a teen for the adult world. There are so many, many things that are NOT taught. And these can range from things such as the difference between a savings account and a Certificate of Deposit to major subjects such as what happens to your credit standing if you don't pay your rent on time. I think it is the parent's responsibility (regardless of whether the child is past age 16 or 18) to continue providing real-world advice.

What I think is most lacking in young people's preparation for life is someone who works alongside of the teen to prepare him/her for adult life in the working world. For example, teens do NOT understand without help that dressing incorrectly can hurt their image – even when applying to a job such as a barista at Starbucks.

What I think you need is to find a mentor for your daughter who is not you so there are no mother-daughter issues to get in the way. This can be an actual person or an online person. As an example, I met with a high school junior two years ago and I was very upset that a kid who had so much going for him did not seem to "get" what he needed to do. A month ago – two years later – he emailed me out of the blue to tell me how he has been following my advice.

(See my blog entry http://flippingburgersandbeyond.blogspot.com)

I strongly urge you to find someone who can work with your daughter. (Not necessarily for pay.) This could be a career counselor at her community college or a former teacher who your daughter liked. It is so important though difficult for teens to understand that what they do now can affect the rest of their lives. And as parents we want to help make those lives as happy and productive as possible.

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Social Settings: Asking Questions Can Break the Ice

A friend told me that her daughter, just finishing 10^th grade in high school, didn’t go up to an acquaintance standing alone at a youth group function because her daughter didn’t know what to say to the other teen. The daughter (incorrectly) believed that she would have to talk about school or movies or clothes – topics with which the daughter is uncomfortable.

In reality, teens who are “shy” about talking to other teens are under a misconception as to what to say to start a conversation. It took my being a journalist in college to learn that asking questions about someone else is a terrific way to start a conversation.

Imagine the teen standing by herself – we’ll call her Nan. And imagine my friend’s daughter – we’ll call her Alice – standing with her two best friends. Then imagine Alice going over to Nan:

Alice: I’m glad to see you at this event tonight. Are you thinking about becoming more involved in the organization next year?

Nan: I’m not sure. I just wanted to come tonight to see what the group is planning.

Alice: Are you interested in school literacy projects? Because I’m chair of that committee next year and I could really use some help.

Nan: What kind of help do you need?

Alice: Why don’t you come sit with me and my friends and I’ll tell you more?

By this point the ice should be broken, and Nan should be able to go sit with Alice and her friends and take part in the conversation.

The moral of this story is this: When you don’t know what to say to another person, asking questions of that other person can start a conversation. Of course, the questions shouldn’t be rude. Instead they should be questions that invite a pleasant conversation.

Try this technique of asking questions the next time you’re at an event and spot someone standing alone. You may be amazed at the appreciative response you get.

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